Oh, The Places You'll Go!
by Muses' Advocate
Summary: Gen never liked Elves. Too nancy. And, of course, she absolutely despises all forms of romantic elf fanfiction. Divine Intervention might change that, though. Obviously NOT a LMS. One OC, though.
1. Read That Funky Fanfic, White Girl

* * *

'Eru, save me,' I whispered leaning in toward the computer screen. 'I think I'm addicted to fan fiction.' The screen glowed faintly and my computer hummed me a soft lullaby. 'Yeah, yeah, I'm going,' I sighed. A brief glance towards the clock revealed I had to get up for school in three hours.  
  
Ah, School. Another boring day, plodding along through the grey monotony that was life. -If I lived in the Shire, at least it would be a _green _monotony!- A cheerful voice in the back of my head piped up. I made a mental note to stop thinking. It couldn't very healthy for me to have a miniature Mary-Sue implanted in the back of my brain.  
  
'Time to go night-night, laddie,' I told my computer as I clicked the switch. I couldn't resist one last fond caress of the monitor before I fell backwards onto bed. I shifted the laptop's weight from my knees and onto the floor.  
  


* * *

The bed definitely needed some getting used to. I hadn't been in the new house more than a week, and I hadn't had the bed for much longer, but the futon definitely beat the floor. I'm still at the point of moving where everything is low to the ground. I honestly think the 19" TV is the tallest thing in the room. A futon mattress, a tiny laptop, a wee box holding my books- all on the floor, of course- were about the only things adorning the room at this point. And the TV, of course.  
  
Tenth grade. I'm just hitting that mid-winter dip right after the hols and everything starts looking incredibly dreary. I'd moved to a new city over break, and, though not for lack of friends, I wouldn(t exactly call it heaven on Earth. I just prefer to ignore life as much as possible and immerse myself in Tolkien's world, usually via internet or the genius of Peter Jackson. Valar bless those men, only ones who've ever done anything useful. Amen.  
  
I rolled over and looked at the obnoxious digital clock. 2:40. -Oh, well,- I thought to myself. -I probably won't be able to sleep for another hour, anyway. And ninety minutes of sleep won(t do me any good.- I groaned a little. Damn school. Damn life. Where are my pants, anyway? Damned pants.  
  
After groping around in the dark for a minute or two, I located the offending pajama bottoms and pulled them on. Flipping my head over, I tied my hair in a ponytail. To the best of my knowledge, it resembled Pebbles Flintstone more than the leggy blonde models in magazines. Never liked models. Too skinny, too pompous, too over-rated. -And everything you(ll never be!- the Mary-Sue voice inhabiting by mind taunted. Oh, right. I forgot I needed to stop thinking.  
  
Crawling over to the DVD player in the dark, I poked it open and used my spidey senses to see what was inside. Well, actually, I used a penlight, but whatever. It was the Extended Fellowship, first disc. Perfect. I turned on the TV and turned the volume down to the lowest setting. Didn(t want to wake the parents, after all. Flopping back onto my bed, I dug out the squashed and melting back of M&M's from underneath it. Grimacing at the oozing mess in my hand, I decided I definitely needed to get used to a futon.  
  
Galadriel's voice filtered on to the screen and I glanced out my window. It's a basement window, so I can't see much, but the view was obscured by what looked like snow. -Odd, It never snows around here. I suppose it is January, though, and it(s not like it won(t be welcome.- I pushed it out of my mind and concentrated on two things- the melting, sickeningly sweet chocolate and the forging of the great Rings.

* * *

I woke up rather disconcerted. My clock read noon, but the room was lit only by a hazy half-light that filtered through my now-encrusted window, more akin to twilight than noon sunshine. My DVD player was blinking at me rapidly and my ever-persistent television set informed me 'the story continues on disc 2'. I grabbed the remotes and shut them off, yawning hugely. Luckily I had dropped the M&M's sometime in my sleep and they lay scattered on the floor. 'I(ll pick 'em up later,' I informed my discarded jeans. 'Serves 'em right for melting.' Grabbing the comforter off my bed, I wrapped it around myself and journeyed upstairs. Vaguely I wondered why I hadn(t been woken up for school, and then dismissed the thought, remembering the Mary-Sue voice in my head.  
  
The house was utterly silent. Not for the first time, I felt uncomfortable. Quickly looking over my shoulder, I thought I saw a red furry something running across the room. Spinning around, I thought I saw it again. My suspicion was quickly lifted when I realized it was my Flintstonian ponytail trying to take advantage of the momentum. 'Shit, hair,' I said, 'Aren't you a bit bored with chasing me around all day?' I pulled out the elastic, and a few hairs at the same time. 'Bloody thing...' murmuring curses I peered into the fridge.  
  
'Ooh, look, a note!' I pulled the piece of scratch paper off the milk carton and read it, light courtesy of the refrigerator. My mom's loopy writing covered only about half of it. _Gen, darl, school's been called off today on account of this lovely snow. I still have work though. I didn't want to wake you, I figured you'd want to sleep in. Just how long did you stay up, anyway? I would have thought you were dead if it weren't for the candy everywhere. I cleaned some of it up, mostly what I could see sticking out of your bed. Don't sleep with chocolate anymore, ok? And remember to turn of your electronics. XOXO, Mamie. _Good-oh, a snow day. More time for fan fics. My meandering muses were going to have one hell of a time with this little tidbit of news.  
  


* * *

A/N: DUN DUN DUN! The Introduction! (yes, it needs to be capitalized) This actually _is _going somewhere, believe it or not. But for now, you get a bit of the character's name, her position, age, a little bit of what she looks like, perosnality, etc. Don't like it? Flame me. Please, flames are the best. - Well, almost. Nice reviews are better hint


	2. Lucy in the Sky With Chocolate?

Just a note: for this story at least, the author's note will come at the bottom. Enjoy (if possible)

* * *

Back at the computer. I should probably be doing crunches or something but, eh, what the hell, it's a snow day. "Ain't that sweet," I cooed through a mouthful of chocolate. "Leggy-poo saves the day again!" I stuck my tongue out at the screen and closed the window. Frodo's eyes stared back at me from the desktop. "Eesh, ye scary angsty little midget, can't you bother someone else?" He made no reply, unblinking. "Crazy kid." I stretched my arms out, nearly upsetting a lampshade. _Good. Mary-Sue voice didn't reprimand me._  
  
Suddenly, I got that feeling. You know, where it feels like someone's watching you? I keep getting it in the new house, and it's really starting to freak me out. Not moving my eyes from the screen, I carefully held my hair in one hand so it wouldn't scare me again. Then _slowly_, I turned around. Nothing. Turned around the other way. Still nothing. Figures. I turned back to the screen, my fingers hovering over the keyboard for just a second.  
  
Frodo winked.  
  
"Shit!" I screamed. "You... you... AHH!" He'd done it again. I pulled my knees to my chest and put my face on them. Not good, not good_, not good_. Winking hobbit wallpaper? _Definitely _not good. I whimpered a little, but it was drowned out by a gust of wind. Shrieking again, I looked to the now-open window. Pure white flakes swirled through and settled in a neat pile on the foot of my bed. The window shut itself again. Trembling, teeth chattering, I put my feet back on the floor and straightened up, grasping the back of the desk chair with shaking fingers.  
  
The snow pile was moving again. Swirling up into a cylinder, then gradually taking shape. "What the fork did they put in those chocolate chips?" I wondered vaguely. The snow- figure- man- thing was glowing faintly now, obscuring the face. Thinking of the Three Hunters, I said in the most authoritarian voice I could muster, "Show yourself!"  
  
A deep chuckle filled the room and the light abated. "Shit," I gasped. "Gandalf?" I never should have drunk mom's lemonade. I never should have bought the off-brand chocolate chips. "Oh, but they're so much cheaper," said Gandalf, reading my thoughts. "and they taste just as good, too." In my shock, I hadn't noticed him stride over and take the bag from my fist. He was munching peacefully on a handful.  
  
"Umm... dude?" I said cautiously, glad my powers of speech had returned. "Aren't you, like, supposed to be in, umm, Valinor? Or something?" What I really wanted to say was, _aren't you just a character from one of the best fantasy books of all time_? But, best not to meddle in the affairs of wizards, for after all, I am crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Heh, I like that quote. Sweet, blessed internet. Ahh! Thoughts wandering! Gandalf talking! _–Legolas hot!- _screamed the Mary Sue in my mind. "_LEGOLAS_? What?!"  
  
"Oh, you're a fan, are you?" Gandalf asked mournfully, taking out a clipboard and pen. "No!" I cried frantically. "No! There's a Mary Sue in the back of my head-" "Oh, a Mary Sue, how interesting," Gandalf said blandly, scribbling something on his clipboard. I had a feeling it was something along the lines of _Claims to have MS in brain. Probably psychotic_. Which I was starting to think myself. "Wait, I'm sorry," I said petulantly. "I misheard you, please, what were you saying?" With a sigh, he tucked the clipboard back into his robes. "I said, we need an ambassador from modern society to travel to Valinor..." Damn chocolate chips. I bet they put LSD in them. "...Legolas is convinced the world is going to fall because all the girls who get transported through try to marry him."  
  
I was speechless for a moment. "Umm, _gross_." I finally managed. Gandalf just nodded grimly. "And, worse yet, Gimli forged him a katana- don't ask me why- and he keeps trying to commit seppuku." He shook his head sadly. "I should never have let him rent The Last Samurai." I started to shake my head sympathetically, but... wait a minute... "You mean, there's Tom Cruise in Valinor?" I couldn't help but be incredulous. But Gandalf, nonchalant as you please, just nodded. "Oh, yes. Mandos runs an excellent video rental business. Helps pass the time 'til Armageddon. Unfortunately, late fees are paid by eternal damnation." "Ugh, hopefully Elves are timely." He nodded solemnly. "Oh yes, very. Which reminds me-"he pulled up his sleeve revealing a gold wristwatch. Where had I seen that before? Moons.. planets...  
  
"Hey! Isn't that Dumbledore's watch?" he looked up from the thing in question, and, clutching it against his chest protectively, humphed. "No, it's mine," he said defensively. He stroked it, gently tracing the delicate curve. "let me guess," I said sarcastically, "your precious?" He hissed slightly, then caught himself and reddened. "Sorry. Anyways, will you do it or not? Make up your mind quickly, or we'll be late" he lowered his voice and added, "And you don't want that. Trust me."  
  
I gulped nervously. "Umm, sorry, but do what?" Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Be the ambassador to Valinor. Please? It'll be only a mild change, and no time will pass in your world. Pretty please?" Oh Gods, the puppy eyes. But... aw, how could I resist those eyes? "Fine," I said briskly. "How do I get there?" He grinned, reminding me of my ten-year-old cousin. "Easy!" he pulled from within his robes a dagger. As he raised it, I realized how most people get to Valinor. "On second thought..." I squeaked, before realizing he wasn't listening. His eyes were barely open, and it appeared he was prodding the air gently with the knife. Barely breathing, I realized what is was. "The.. the subtle knife?" I asked. Very, very slowly, he nodded.  
  
Definitely something funky in those chocolate chips.  
  
Suddenly, he slit an opening. I jumped a little and, recovering myself, peered through. "What the...?" everything was anime. Sticking my hand through, that was anime too. "Wrong world," Gandalf said briskly. He pinched the opening back closed, and I realized his two end fingers were missing. Nothing could surprise me now.  
  
A moment later, he had cut a new window and was at me to got through. "There now," he said. "Here it is, enjoy your stay, I'll be back for you soon!" He tossed me in unceremoniously, and as I tried to stick my head back in, he slammed it closed again, giving me quite the knock on the head. I tumbled backwards, and, adding injury to more injury, hit my head on what must have been a tree. I blacked out completely, and the last thing I remember was a painfully perfect, bright blue sky.

* * *

A/N: and the plot thickens! Remember now, I'm trying not to make this a Mary-Sue, but it's a pretty thin line. Any comments, nasty or otherwise, are appreciated. Thank you! 


	3. The Gods Must Be Crazy

I was woken sometime in the very early morning by a huge crash of thunder. I screamed, like any sensible person would have done. Sitting up and rubbing frantically at my eardrums, I took a minute to take in my surroundings. Glancing at the sky that just hours ago had been flawless azure, I saw four figures sitting on clouds laughing their head off. _Oh_, I thought absently. _Hey, look, they're sitting on clouds_. For some reason, this didn't freak me out as much as it should have. One of the guys- I assumed them to be Valar- took a swig of something out of a pearly bottle, followed by a huge, bellowing, ricocheting belch. The other guys started laughing again, and the ground shook.  
  
"Bloody men," I muttered, getting to my feet. "Och, my head. What a migraine." I reached for some Advil from my purse before realizing I didn't have any. Aw, shit. I shook my head out instead.  
  
Something thick, wet and heavy slapped me in the face.  
  
I growled. "Oh, no you don't! It's too early in the morning to be messing with me, bitch!" No response. I went to pull the elastic from my hair, hoping the rumpled mess would scare the offender off.  
  
Unfortunately, my last intimidation technique had gone missing. In it's place was a thick, wet, heavy long braid of hair. _Golden _hair. My hair was naturally red. And just past my shoulders. And _thin_, for God's sake. This was not my hair. And... I looked down and nearly lost the chocolate.  
  
I was no longer wearing the huge Cake band t-shirt and pajama pants I'd had on when I arrived. Not even close. No, I was wearing a full length, pale pink silk gown. And, I noticed, it was very thin... thin enough to make the rain plaster it to my body. A body that, even though I'd neglected my exercise routine for.. well, ever since I'd made it, was suddenly lithe. And tall. I'm five foot even- at least, I'm supposed to be- but I think I must've grown at least a full twelve inches. A small ray of hope sparkled in that I would never have to do those crunches as long as I was stuck here. Then I remembered my position and the bitterness returned.

So, I thought, great. Some perv changed me out of my perfectly fine clothes and stuck me in the most impractical gown in the world, then made it rain. Great. Just great. At least, I noticed with rebellious satisfaction, I still had my fluffy black slippers with the red anarchy symbol embroidered on the toe. At least that was something. Thank you, Hot Topic. Feeling my head to make sure I hadn't sprouted antennae as well, I did my best to cover my clinging dress and start out towards civilization. I just couldn't wait to see what had happened to my face.  
  
The first house I came to was empty. Actually, 'house' doesn't do it justice. Mansion maybe, or palace. In any case, it was deserted. And, to my disgust, it was the only sign of civilization for as far as the eye can see.  
  
Silently thanking my hippie mother whom had signed me up for Boy Scouts in first grade- "Gender equality", she kept repeating to the leader, "Gen wants to be prepared, too!"- I found the nearest tree, snapped off some branches and made a fire. The storm had stopped now, or rather, the Valar had run out of carbonated beverages and wandered off. I managed to catch the last one just before he disappeared.  
  
"Excuse, me, sir," I began, my voice uncharacteristically shaky. When he didn't look up from gathering the empty bottles, I cleared my throat loudly and tried again. Mini-Mary in my head told me I sounded like a politician, but of course I ignored her. "SIR!" I screamed. "DOWN HERE!"  
  
You know, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that when there's a small person screaming at you, it's generally hard to ignore. Babysitter's logic. So, inevitably, he turned and glared at me. I suddenly realized he could probably smash me with his little finger. Not that he was a monster or anything, but he looked pretty damn strong.  
  
My timidity returned.  
  
"Genevieve Taylor," he said in more of a rumble than a voice. "April 17th, 1988, wasn't it? 12 pounds 5 ounces, if memory serves me correctly."  
  
"My mom said I was a very... ahh... _healthy _baby." I muttered, face burning. He chuckled, shaking the ground. "Yes, yes, healthy, and a very healthy appetite too." He turned back to his task. I waited for him to say something, but he didn't so I cut in again. "Uh... mister... um, sir... could you tell me where I could find somewhere to stay? I'm awfully wet. And cold. And uncomf-"he sighed hugely, rustling the leaves of all the nearby trees and cutting me off.  
  
"Come here," he rumbled. "We'll get Este to look after you. I said, come _here_!" (I was attempting to hide behind the tree.) "But, uh, sir, wouldn't... I mean doesn't... doesn't Este live on the Isle of Este-"  
  
"I would assume so," he said impatiently, "seeing as it's named after her and all." I swear I heard him mutter "Idiot human" under his breath, but I couldn't be sure.  
  
"-And if that huge house-place-thingy was one of the Mansions of Varda and Manwe, isn't she kinda, uh, out of the way?" He rolled his eyes. "Did it occur to you that it might be one of the mansions of Aule? Because it was. And I suppose you could stay there if you want, but Yavanna's out of town replanting something or other and Aule can't cook, and- well, I think it'd be better if you just stayed with Este." He took a breath and continued, pointing at a small lake in the distance, in the middle of which I could just barely make out an island. "That's the Isle of Este. It's a three day walk down the mountain-"  
  
Mountain? Not good. I'm afraid of heights. -_Mountain_?- Shrieked the Mary-Sue.  
  
Then I realized I was standing on one.  
  
Inadvertently, I clutched his shirt. He looked down in mild surprise, then detached me with a flick of his thumb. I fell in a heap on the ground, squeezing my eyes shut and willing myself not to think of where I was. I grabbed onto a rock, whispering prayers pleading for my safety. Maybe not even so much _safety _as _sanity_. As if I weren't messed-up enough already.  
  
"I'm getting tired of this," Mr. Valar growled. "Who are you to impugn on my fear?" I cried theatrically. Life's a stage, after all. I felt a rough hand at the back of my gown. The next thing I knew I was on my feet, facing him. "Well, Miss Porky-Baby-Genevieve, it just so happens that my name is Manwe. King of the Valar, if you're familiar with the phrase."  
  
We faced each other, him scowling, me staring wide-eyed.  
  
"M-Manwe?" I squeaked. He just kept scowling. "I'm sorry, I didn't know..." I had a sudden urge to grovel at his feet. Instead I kept staring, which I knew was rude, but I couldn't help myself. For some reason I could only guess, he suddenly smiled. "Yes, let's get you to Este's," he said almost gleefully. "We might as well make it fast." He turned his face upward and whistled shrilly.  
  
Almost immediately, a small fluffy cloud game zooming towards at breakneck speed. I ducked and covered my head, but Manwe caught it skillfully and held it in both hands. It struggled, but the little piece of fluff was more than outmatched by the King of the Valar. He looked at me expectantly. "Well?" he said. "are you going or not?"  
  
I couldn't feel my legs. What did he expect me to do, ride that thing down the mountain? I'd sooner try and sprout wings and get there myself. "Umm, I'm sorry, Mr. Manwe sir, but I'm afraid of heights an-"Too late. His hand was back at the neck of the gown and before I realized what was happening I was laying face down on the cloud. –_You freak_!- Mary Sue screamed at me. –_Due to the fact that the cumulonimbus cloud is, like all clouds, insubstantial, and you are nowhere near a desirable body mass index_—Mentally, I slapped duct tape across her mouth.  
  
She had a point, though. Even with the new wonder-woman body, there was no way I should be able to sit on a cloud. Clouds weren't even supposed to be this shape and size. Or enter the lithosphere. Or stratosphere. Or whatever the hell sphere it was. Anyway, I shouldn't be here. It had an aura of nostalgia around it, as though it were a favorite Barbie when I was younger. Stupid Barbie, she got more guys then I did. I burned all of mine when I was twelve. Oh, crap, mind wandering again. I dismissed it as an experience form another life. Hippie Mom's logic again.  
  
It took me a moment to realize I was moving. Face still buried in the pale folds of the cloud-steed, I was semi-oblivious to the world- or rather, air- around me. Once I had lifted my head, I wished I hadn't. I was torn between clutching my stomach and holding on for dear life. I chose the ladder.

* * *

A/N: That took a long time, didn't it? Oh well. Feast your eyes and enjoy - It's the end of the school year for me, so give me a week or two and I'll be posting more regularly. Look forward to some action in the next chapter (and some new characters!) -MA 


End file.
